Updated: Jun 19, 2020
I fell pregnant in December 2014 during my midwifery studies. We were thrilled and excited by our news, as we were planning to have a baby. I was travelling back and forth between Bournemouth and Bristol during my training. These long drives gave me and my little baby so much precious time to bond. I made plans and was happy for our baby’s presence in my womb. The knowledge that he or she was there made me feel complete. I felt that my life was going in the right direction. I had a wonderful profession to study, a loving partner and a gift that was growing inside me. A Night I Will Never Forget On the 22nd of February 2015, I was on my placement in Bath. I was getting ready to go for a night shift on the postnatal ward, when I noticed a little blood spot on my underwear. Strangely enough, a day before I told my partner I did not feel pregnant anymore. I am very attuned with my body and I had a passing feeling that something was missing. I got ready and left for my night shift. That time, I had a wonderful and caring mentor who sent me to A&E straight away and also, came down later to see how I was doing. They couldn’t do anything on A&E and unfortunately, I spent at least 4 hours there. I felt that I should have gone back to our hotel to give myself time to rest. The Dreaded News The Morning After The next morning, I went to EPAC (early pregnancy assessment clinic). This is where they scanned me. They diagnosed that it was a missed miscarriage, there was no fetal pole visible. It was a bit strange being “on the other side” as I have attended EPAC as a student before. As a lucky coincidence, my family spent that weekend with me in Bath. So, my partner was able to drive us home that morning. It was a Monday morning; I had no strong pain yet. Tuesday, I passed a big blood clot which had a recognisable sac and I knew it was our baby. I was strong and the symptoms were manageable. They were so manageable, that on Wednesday I went back to Bath for a Tripartite interview with one of my tutors. This occurred on the postnatal ward. My Strength Was Surprising My tutor and mentor worried about my emotional health. They offered me to rearrange this interview, but I didn’t wish to rearrange. I wanted to attend since I had the physical strength for it and my partner to come with me. I was mentally strong. I had a great interview and I felt at peace. It did me good. I was proud of myself to be able to put aside my personal challenges and be the professional I wanted to be. Understanding The Science Behind The Miscarriage I know being a professional helped me a lot to process this loss. Knowing that early miscarriage can be caused by chromosomal abnormalities or incompatibilities. This means our baby stopped developing. There could be other reasons for early miscarriage such as thyroid disorder, diabetes, lifestyle problems (especially stress!!!!) and other illnesses. I’m a healthy woman, so I acknowledged the possible reason for this miscarriage to be genetical. This made me awed by my body’s sheer innate intelligence. My body had the ability to recognise that our beloved baby was not blessed with viable genetics. As unfortunate as this is. Nature may be cruel and wise at the same time. It might sound strange for many of you: I was sad for our loss but at the same time I was thankful to my body for its wisdom. The Days That Followed On Thursday, I visited my chiropractor. He treated me gently, giving a supporting hand to my body to go through the miscarriage, naturally. The next day, I was in a strong pain and my miscarriage has come to its cathartic physical point. My GP also looked after me very well. On Friday I was in extreme pain, I phoned in and they offered to see me immediately. A few weeks after I had a transvaginal ultrasound, this was to see if the natural miscarriage was successful, meaning that no fetal tissue remained in my womb. This Is What Helped Me To Process My Pregnancy Loss: We felt cared for by the professionals we saw, my chiropractor and the EPAC staff and my surgery too. It is extremely reassuring when you have professionals who know what they are doing. It is also appreciated when they are sensitive to what you are going through. We also understood the likely reasons for this early miscarriage. I was grateful for the innate intelligence of my body, knowing that my body is doing her job well. I allowed myself to mourn the loss, but I also understood that I had to move on. I took pride in myself to carry on my journey of becoming a birth professional. There is one element I have not mentioned yet…and that is the spiritual side. I knew even though I have physically lost this baby, him or her will be with me sometime in the future. I processed this loss as temporary, as he/she will be back when the time and everything else will be right.